Secret Saturdays Page 11

  Ma nodded.

  “What I don’t get,” I said, “is where that Puerto Rican stuff on Sean’s dresser came from.”

  “What stuff?”

  “Sean says those key chains, toys, and stuff on his dresser are from his father, in Puerto Rico.”

  “Justin,” Ma said. “Wake up. Half of Sean’s family is from PR. Maybe they send him stuff and he just says it’s from his dad. You know, to front so people won’t think his father’s locked up.”

  “You surprised Sean’s dad’s in jail?”

  “No,” Ma said. “Something didn’t make sense about his story. His father was supposed to be in Puerto Rico but still with Jackie? And he loved Sean? Then why didn’t he once visit Sean in Red Hook? What free man, who’s cool with both his wife and son, lives two, three hours from here and can’t visit them?”

  “True.”

  “Him being locked up might also explain why Jackie stays on a hi-and-bye basis with me. You and Sean are best friends, but she never got close with me. Isn’t that strange? She kept her distance to keep the business with Sean’s dad private. So no, it doesn’t surprise me Sean’s dad’s in jail. Looking back, now it makes sense.”

  “Sean’s father is in jail,” I said again, loud. I checked to see if Ma thought I was bugging for repeating myself, but she just looked sorry for me.

  “All this time,” I said, “Sean’s been dissing kids for having deadbeat dads. It’s Sean who has the deadbeat dad.”

  “That’s how it is,” Ma said. “If someone feels bad about something, he points it out in other people. When I was young, I hated my teeth, so I teased kids about their teeth. While everybody was focused on those kids, nobody was focused on me.”

  “But what about Sean getting new games and clothes?” I asked. “Sean’s mom is a cashier at IKEA. And his dad’s locked up. They don’t own a house and land in PR like Sean said. His mom can’t afford all his new stuff. Where does his extra cash come from? I thought his dad mailed him that money from PR.”

  “Maybe she has other family helping her out,” Ma said. “They could be throwing money her way on the side. That could explain Sean’s games, cash, and clothes.”

  “Ma, Sean’s a fake friend! All his lies. The first lie: his pops is in PR. His second lie: the stuff on his dresser was from his dad, from Puerto Rico. His father didn’t send that. He lied to me and said he went to Jersey and Philly this year, but he didn’t. He’s been a fake friend.”

  “Stop acting silly, Justin,” Ma said. “Sean’s not a fake friend. He lied about his father. But can you trust Sean with other stuff? If you got into a fight, would Sean jump in?”

  “Yeah.”

  “When I didn’t get my check and you wanted to go paintballing with Sean, what happened?”

  “Sean paid my way. And he didn’t ask me for the money back.”

  I thought about me and Sean and the Grey House. He had chances but he had never once told anyone I had climbed the Grey House. Yeah, I could trust Sean with stuff. Maybe Sean was a real friend. But how could a real friend be honest with you about one thing and lie to you about another thing?

  “Justin, do you think I know everything about my friends?” Ma asked.

  I thought she did.

  “My friends and I sometimes keep things from each other,” Ma said. “But we have each other’s backs where it matters. You don’t know why Sean lied. Maybe he’s ashamed his dad’s in jail. Maybe Jackie told him to lie about where his father was. We don’t know. But you can’t fault Sean for hiding something like that. If your dad was in jail, would you tell other kids?”

  I knew my answer. No, I wouldn’t tell. And I probably would lie too about where my dad was. Ma reached out and stroked my forehead. I half smiled at her and she pinched my cheek.

  “Don’t think Sean’s not your best friend because he didn’t tell you about his father. He probably was just protecting himself. Maybe he thought you’d joke on his dad.”

  “I wonder,” I said, “if Sean felt that if his own father could hurt him by going to jail and leaving him to survive alone, then maybe us, his closest friends, who aren’t even his blood, could hurt him worse than his dad did.”

  “That’s probably part of it,” Ma said.

  I thought about how Ma talks about boys in the projects being hard. Maybe Sean kept the truth in because he was so used to pretending nothing was wrong with him. Ma hated it when I hid things from my guy friends. Maybe this was why.

  “You mind if I go to my room?” I asked Ma.

  “Go ahead, sweetie.”

  I lay back on my bed thinking about Sean.

  Maybe Sean’s a fake friend, I thought. Maybe he’s not and I should forgive him.

  I kept going over the situation again and again like a dog chasing its tail. I couldn’t decide if Sean was a fake friend or worth forgiving. I also couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore.

  I fell into a deep sleep and had a wild dream.

  My mom knocked on my door. “Your dad’s here to see you,” she said.

  For a second, I didn’t believe I heard her right. “What?” I asked.

  “Your father,” she said, “is here.” A man’s voice grunted and I knew it was him. It was as if my body took over. I couldn’t think and, right then, every bad feeling I had for my pops disappeared. I flew out of bed with the quickness and tried turning my doorknob, but it wouldn’t twist. “I can’t open the door!” I yelled. “Open it for me!”

  “Just turn the knob,” Ma said.

  I tried again, using all the strength I had. “Ma! It’s stuck!” I shouted, kicking the door. “Open it!”

  “Well,” I heard my father’s voice say, “it’s his fault if he doesn’t see me. I’m leaving.”

  “Dad.” I started crying. “It’s not my fault. Stay.” Boogers and tears poured into my mouth and I snorted. “Don’t leave! It’s not my fault!”

  “Bye,” my father said to my mother. “I won’t be back.”

  The door to our apartment slammed and Ma locked it.

  I got so mad that I grabbed my computer and slammed it into pieces on the floor. I wanted to see him more than anything. Whatever I could touch, I threw and broke. I grabbed my baseball bat and swung everywhere. Bits of broken toys, shattered plastic from CD cases, and other things flew all over. Then out of nowhere, a voice asked me, “That was your pops? It’s good you didn’t see him. He’s not who you think he is.”

  The voice came from my full-length mirror. I slowly walked over to it. Who I saw bugged me out.

  Sean. He was my reflection. I slowly lifted my hand. In the same way he did too. He made every move I did. I was Sean. He was me.

  I stepped back from the mirror. “W-what?” I fake-stuttered to throw him off, but my Sean reflection spoke exactly like me. “Y-you i-in th-there?” we both said.

  “What you expect?” Sean laughed. “You and me are the same. They don’t want us.”

  I got so mad at what he said I swung my bat at the mirror and shouted curses. No matter how many pieces I broke the mirror into, Sean was in every reflection.

  Soon Sean’s voice echoed from each shattered piece. “You me! I’m you! You me! I’m you!” The sound of a hundred Seans filled the room. In some reflections Sean was crying, and in others he was laughing or serious.

  I picked up one piece and it reflected Sean’s face melting and looking more like me. His eyes and nose turned into my eyes and nose. Soon he had my ears and forehead. It scared me and I threw the glass down.

  The nightmare gave me a bad headache, but it also made me see things differently. Things I hadn’t seen before.

  Fake Friend or What?

  THE NEXT DAY while watching Saturday morning cartoons, I thought about Vanessa and Kyle.

  Holding back from them didn’t feel right. For different reasons.

  Vanessa had gone to Sean’s place and took his rhymebook.

  I owed Kyle too. When I confronted Sean in the gym, Kyle wasn’t normal chill Kyle. He stepped up
. Called Sean out about his secret Saturdays.

  Yeah, right now, I was the one with all of Sean’s information. But along the way, we three had worked to get it.

  You need to tell them, I thought.

  I flicked my cell open and dialed Kyle’s number.

  “Hello?” he answered.

  “Let’s three-way with Vanessa,” I said. “It’s about Sean.”

  When Vanessa picked up, I said, “I need you both to meet me at my place later. I found out the missing pieces about Sean.”

  When they showed up, I brought them to my room, shut the door, and told them everything.

  “Sean’s such a liar!” Vanessa said.

  “For real!” Kyle said.

  They reacted the same way I had.

  I told them, “Try to think of Sean lying this way. He probably felt his dad hurt him by getting locked up. Maybe he feels if his own family could hurt him, then we could hurt him too. We aren’t even his blood.” Vanessa and Kyle didn’t say anything. I wanted them to see too that maybe Sean wasn’t so grimy for lying.

  After a few more seconds of quiet, Vanessa said, “Yeah. I can see what you mean.”

  “Me too,” Kyle said. “Kind of. I know one thing: I wouldn’t want people knowing my dad was in jail.”

  “That’s why we shouldn’t tell Sean we know he’s sneaking to see his father,” I said.

  Kyle’s eyes were confused, but he nodded.

  “Let’s just keep this to ourselves,” Vanessa said. “We three know. If Sean finds out we know, we’ll handle it. But for now, let’s keep it quiet. You were right, though, Justin. Sean bugged out the same time he started seeing his pops in prison.”

  “Yep,” I said.

  “Seeing his dad locked up was probably too much for him,” Kyle said.

  “Yeah,” I said. “In his raps he says he doesn’t even want to go and his mom drags him there. He’s probably wilding out because he wants her to stop it but he doesn’t want to tell her.”

  “If going to jail is messing Sean up, his mother needs to stop taking him there for real,” Vanessa said. “She thinks because Sean’s a boy, he needs to see his father, but Sean’ll get left back if he keeps acting up in school.”

  “So we just keep hanging out with Sean and act normal?” Kyle asked.

  Vanessa looked at Kyle. “Yeah.”

  “For real, though,” Kyle said, “I don’t know if I can go back to normal with him. I understand why he might’ve lied to us, but knowing he’s a liar will make me feel weird around him. He’s a fake friend.”

  “So what?” Vanessa said. “You going to stop hanging with him?” She turned to me. “Justin, you think Sean’s a fake friend too?”

  Fake friend. I thought back to the time I called Vanessa a fake friend in the stadium for lying about liking Sean. I even told her she didn’t understand what friendship meant. But from how Vanessa acted with this whole Sean thing, she knew a lot about friendship. She had Sean’s back from the get-go. And it wasn’t because she had a crush on him. She was a real friend.

  “Kyle,” I said, “Sean has enough with his father being in jail. I feel you that Sean’s a liar. But at the same time, I’m thinking he doesn’t need us, his tightest friends, acting ill with him.”

  “Yeah,” Vanessa agreed. “Like Justin said, all Sean has is his front and us. He doesn’t need us exposing him and switching up.”

  Kyle pushed his glasses up his nose and shook his head. He heard us but needed more convincing. “Sean has had our backs since fourth grade,” I said. “Now that he’s slipping, we should have his. Being friends isn’t knowing everything about each other.” It made me feel good saying that, but I knew what Kyle was feeling. It would be weird knowing Sean was smiling in our faces but lying to us. In the end, we decided the best way to be his friend was to pretend we didn’t know Sean’s secret. I felt guilty inside. Vanessa and Kyle probably felt as grimy as me but I didn’t ask them. We were wrong for stealing Sean’s rhymebook. We needed to know what was up with him and we found out in a sneaky way. Yeah, he lied to us about his secret but we lied to learn his secret. All these lies on top of lies and now more pretending made me feel like I was buried under a mountain of crap and wanted to climb out.

  Now It Is

  BY THE MIDDLE OF JANUARY, Sean was back. It felt like forever since he’d been in school. But he seemed like his old self. He came to school on time and he didn’t miss a day.

  He hung out with us on the regular. I stopped seeing him be around his cousin and his eighth-grade crew. He even handed in crisp work.

  And something new was up with him. He didn’t dis kids.

  He even went back to freestyling with me, which was maybe his way of saying we were back to normal with each other. One day after school me and him were at the cab station arcade on Crazy Corner. We stood side by side, aiming our video-game guns at the game screen while we blasted zombies. He freestyled first:I got caught up for a minute and didn’t like the aftermath.

  Being suspended, getting punished. That crap was wack.

  I spent a lot of time thinking, and from now on I’m chillin’.

  While shooting body parts off people climbing out of graves, I rhymed back:Ayo, we here shooting deadheads and life seems cool.

  Things are back to normal. You doing good in school. You had me, Kyle, and Vanessa worried for a minute but you back on track.

  You fistfighting Manny was bugged, though. We didn’t know how to react.

  He didn’t respond for a second because we entered the next level of the game and mad zombies jumped out an abandoned building and bum-rushed us. Me and him fired until we got rid of everyone and the game said our guns were empty. While we waited for our weapons to reload and for more zombies to show, Sean finished his rap.

  You want to hear something funny?

  Keep this between you and me.

  I felt a bit grimy about beating up Manny.

  Yeah, he shows no respect so he should expect to get checked.

  But since when did I fight with my hands? That was bugged.

  When that happened, I knew I was switching up. The old me is back. The one who knows how to act.

  With his eyes on the game Sean couldn’t see me, but I smiled. I was happy to hear him say my best friend was back. What if he goes on another secret trip and doesn’t tell you? I thought. Will he be my best friend then? I decided not to think about it. I was just amped that we back to being cool.

  Weeks passed and things stayed normal with Sean.

  Me, Kyle, and him did our sleepovers. If Sean didn’t do them, on Friday, me and Kyle stayed up late at my place to see if Sean and his mom snuck to go upstate. They didn’t. Maybe Jackie stopped taking Sean there because she figured out him going to prison was messing up his head and sending him in the wrong direction. If so, Sean’s mom was smart.

  Two months later, in March, me, Vanessa, Kyle, and Sean were in school at lunch.

  “Fight him at three. Don’t be like Stupid Sean and get suspended for fighting.” This seventh grader, Tyler, dissed him loud enough for our whole table to hear.

  “You just called me stupid?” Sean put his sandwich down and turned to Tyler.

  “Yeah,” Tyler said. “You know you were stupid for fighting in school.”

  For a long time now nobody had bothered Sean. And Sean hadn’t bothered anyone. Now Tyler was starting with him. He probably thought Sean was soft because Sean had stopped dissing on kids.

  Sean looked at me. At Vanessa. At Kyle. For the first time, I saw someone dis Sean and Sean didn’t have that “fight back” fire in his eye. Sean shook his head at Tyler and bit into his sandwich.

  “You letting Tyler dis on you?” some girl asked Sean.

  Sean paid her no mind. He kept chewing.

  “Dang, Sean,” some boy shouted. “You booty.”

  Tyler wouldn’t stop either. “Let Sean eat, because he knows I’ll dis him so hard, he’ll cry,” he said to everybody.

  “Ohhh!” so
me kids at our table said.

  Sean’s nostrils flared.

  Ignore them, Sean, I thought. I wish I had that superpower to control people’s minds. I would’ve used it. To hypnotize Sean into forgetting about Tyler and everybody here beasting. After, I’d make Tyler dive into a garbage can as tall as us. Come out with tomato sauce and spaghetti noodles dripping from his head. But that was make-believe. In reality, I knew Sean couldn’t just stay dissed in front of a crowd. And I couldn’t make Tyler and these kids relax.

  Out here the rule was “Dis or get dissed on.” The best disser was king of the hill. Kids knew that was Sean.

  Sean finally looked up. Maybe he was annoyed at everybody laughing at him. His eyes were different. He winked at me like he did before he threw his one-two knockout combo of disses. He smiled at Tyler as if Tyler was his dessert.

  “With your wino father, you shouldn’t dis on me,” Sean said.

  The whole lunch table exploded with kids laughing. Tyler squinted at Sean. Tyler knew he couldn’t say anything. Sean was telling the truth. Everyone knew Tyler’s father was the drunk, homeless, toothless man named Peter who wandered Red Hook Projects, sleeping on benches, begging kids for money, and collecting cans.

  Sean paused.

  Mad kids were watching and waiting for him to keep dissing Tyler.

  Sean’s doing like my mother said, I thought. He’s focused everybody on laughing at another kid’s father and no one is even looking at Sean. So no one thinks Sean might be the one with the deadbeat dad.

  “Son, just the other day,” Sean said, “I was going in the supermarket and I had to step over your pops because he was laid out, drunk, on the floor, blocking my entrance.”

  “Ooooo!” kids said.

  Tyler stood up like maybe he wanted to fight Sean.

  “Don’t even think about coming over here to fight,” Sean said. “That girl, Melly, busted your lip last month, so you know I’ll knock you out. Just like I did to Manny. I’ll wipe your pimply face on this floor and wax it with your zit juice.” Kids looked at Tyler and waited for him to say or do something, but Tyler was stuck on stupid for a second. He just sat there. Maybe wondering what to do next. He finally decided to leave.